seen.

Today, I existed.

Today, that was enough.

This photo is from a series inspired by my favorite song, Duet, by the band Penny & Sparrow.

The chorus rings out the words:

Because I’ve seen you,

And I know you,

And I’m not going anywhere.

This particular song is about a deep, meaningful romance, but today it felt like even more than that.

To be fully known and fully loved. Our deepest desire.

I have scratched down so many words on pieces of paper, typed out words on an iPhone at 3am, written words in the midst of grief and despair.

I have so many unfinished words that no one should read. 

But I don’t believe the polished and finished project is the only thing worth sharing.

I am sick of this religion that presents duct-taped broken hearts and passes them off as miracles of God’s healing.

Aren’t we forgetting the Saturday before the resurrection? Aren’t we overlooking the dark night of the soul?

So today, instead of writing what I intended, I let this song wash over me.

As I continue to question God, as I continue to wrestle with this deep bitterness I feel toward him… I am reminded that there are others standing right in the midst of this with me.

There are so many beautiful souls, who see me in the middle of all this shit–my panic attacks, my sickness, my grief–and they stay.

More than that, they hold me up. They drive home to pick me up off the floor and help me eat. They hold me close when the noise in my brain won’t stop screaming. They call from across the country and stay on the line until I fall asleep, just so I feel like I’m not alone.

I wanted to write a post about God’s healing and God’s grace, but that’s just not where I am. I am still waiting on His voice, and hearing it only in short moments, like the chorus of a song.

Because I’ve seen you,

And I know you,

And I’m not going anywhere. 

Today, I existed.

And today, that was enough.

 

your friendly neighborhood scatter-brained artist, sweet tea enthusiast, and dedicated Publix shopper.

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