to my dear dreamers, thinkers, and quiet world changers. I see you there with your paint stained t-shirts and ink covered hands. I see you mumbling the lines of a new script when you really ought to be studying for physics. I see you after the most recent rejection and I see your joy after your first major success.
As this is a belated, scatterbrained New Year’s Eve post–cheers to my beloved artists.
Cheers to the ones who see more than their surroundings, who see beauty in a photograph that has yet to be taken. Cheers to the emotional ones–the people with galaxies trapped inside their minds. We fail, we fall, and then we capture it in a way that makes you almost wish you’d experienced it too.
In July, I prayed through teary eyes that God would go easy on my heart–even for just one semester. And the healing that has occurred in this heart of mine is too much for my chaotic mind to comprehend yet.
Anxiety, fear, and depression and I have always had an odd relationship. I want them to be gone, I desperately do, but then I wonder what would I be without them?
Would the light seem as brilliant or the darkness so deep?
Would my mind still be splattered with ideas or my heart love as fiercely?
If I were able to rid myself of my struggles would I rid myself of the beauty too?
It’s not a desire to play the victim that makes me hesitant–I feel few greater moments of shame then when I’m weakened by fear. Instead it’s that I’ve finally begun to see myself the way I always should have. The shame I’ve always carried has slowly begun to fall off my shoulders.
I’ve known of my brokenness for years. I’ve seen the way I manipulated others, the way I hid when I should have spoken, the way I’ve let my intensity be an excuse for cruelty. There has almost never been a time when I wasn’t aware of how I’m shattered–I just never realized that when God’s redemption is present, broken things can be beautiful too.
2015 started with a broken heart and ended with a joyful one. My wonderful boyfriend completely surprised me by flying across the country to be with me on New Year’s Eve. A ridiculously romantic gesture that I still haven’t fully been able to comprehend.
2015 was a year full of remarkable voices. Voices of loved ones that I will cherish forever. They saw me at my weakest and still they stayed. They spoke words that strengthened me and inspired me to go on new adventures.
This has been a year of seeing the brokenness and embracing the light I see through it. God didn’t glue the shards back together as I expected him too, he simply pointed out the way the sun sparkles across each piece.
Maybe that’s why I adore artists so much. When they see something broken, their first instinct isn’t to make everything nice and neat. I adore them because they understand how broken things can be beautiful too.
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a note to my readers:
I love each and every one of you. Thank you for taking the time to read these words on this piece of the internet. I’m working to build up a following for my writing, in the hope of one day making a career out of my art. My New Year’s resolution is to post once every two weeks, and since I don’t want to blast Facebook with all of those, subscribing to my email list is how to keep up with them.
It’s just one email to notify you when I post something–nothing else, nothing obnoxious. But even that simple involvement, (as well as every comment, like, and social media share), are tiny things that support what will one day be my career.
Thank you again for being part of my story, and as always, I’d love to hear more about yours. Cheers to the New Year!